Our Angel - Part 1

On July 4, 2018, we lost our precious baby. This experience has changed me, and I will try to express my heartache and testimony as I write down our story.

On Tuesday July 3, I started spotting and it seemed to be normal pregnancy spotting. By the next day, the spotting turned bright red but still seemed normal. After walking our kids down to the local high school to watch fireworks, I started getting stomach cramps. These cramps turned into what felt just like contractions. I then knew that something was very wrong. I had contractions come stonger and more painful as we walked the 30 minutes back to our house. We put the kids in bed and called a trusted friend to come over while we went to the ER.

As soon as I was admitted, I started to gush. The baby was soon delivered before a doctor even came in the room. I didn't want to see the baby. Part of me wonders if I'll regret this, but I didn't want that image to be the one I kept of my baby in my mind forever. I was able to see my unborn child kick and squirm just 3 weeks before on an ultrasound, and will always have that as the image that I can hold in my heart. Matt was sad that he didn't get to see our angel, and that is my only regret.

The doctors came in and did an ultrasound to make sure everything was cleared out.  They did not see any remains and were anxious to get me home to grieve at around 3:30am.

Unfortunately, they had missed something. I was sent home and immediately took a shower and went to bed. I was still bleeding quite a bit, but didn't realize it was too much until I used the bathroom at around 6am and felt a large amount of blood come out. I passed out breifly on the toilet and then stood up to tell Matt that I was losing too much blood. I passed out again, landing on the bathtub. Matt ran to my side and called 911. This was the scariest part of the whole experience. I have never fainted before, and waking up not knowing what has happened is so scary. So many thoughts and feelings went through my mind as we waited for the paramedics. Life is so fragile and I felt it in those moments.

The paramedics came to my side and tried to help me into the bedroom. I passed out again. They hurried and got me an IV and then carried me down the stairs on a tarp. I was in shock. I had bruises all down my side from falling on the tub, but wouldn't realize this until I was being discharged from the hospital many hours later. It's such a blessing I didn't hit my head.

The ambulance got me to the hospital where I was given more fluids and other drugs. Matt came to the room as soon as possible. The nurse said he was so glad when Matt got there because as soon as he came into the room, my heart rate slowed back into normal range. Matt has always been my rock, and I absolutely couldn't have done this without him. Another ultrasound showed that there was indeed more in my uterus that needed to come out. I was prepped for a D&C. Since the paramedics started helping me at home, I had been shaking terribly and uncontrollably the entire time.

Before surgery, my wonderful bishop came and gave me a prieshood blessing.  I am so grateful for this. I think Matt was relieved as well because he was too anxious to give me one himself. It was such a comfort to hear words that I knew were from my Heavenly Father. Things I specifically needed to hear.

The D&C went well. I woke up in the recovery center to my amazing husband who never left my side. He held my legs as they shook until I felt awake enough to talk to the doctor about going home. We left the hospital around lunch time.

Recovering at home was hard, but I'm so thankful for all the people in my life who gave me such support.  My wonderful parents drove all day from Utah to be with me and my family. Before dinner time, I had several visitors who brought flowers, food and shoulders to cry on. I needed this more than they knew. My eyes were swollen, and my bruises were getting worse. The bruise in my heart worst of all. l cried like I'd never cried before.