Our Angel - Part 2

Coping with a pregnancy loss has been hard. But I feel so blessed at the same time. I've cried and cried and cried, but I have also been able to see more beauty in my life.

I was able to get another priesthood blessing from my husband a couple days after our loss. It was perfect and exactly what I needed to hear from a loving Heavenly Father.  I've been thinking about my relationship with Him quite a bit lately and about His master plan.  I have had many friends share their testimonies with me about God's plan this last month, and each time I am filled with warmth and knowledge that He does have a plan. And it's a perfect plan.  I have felt very strongly that my baby is so grateful that I am enduring this heartache so that he can have a body. I don't know how it will all work out in the end, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this baby boy is not gone forever but is cheering me on so that we can meet again.

The days after losing our baby were kind of a blur, and even now it seems so hazy and unreal. Some days are fine, and some days are just plain rough.  I've had many people drop by with treats or dinner which makes me feel so loved, but every time this happens it triggers tears. I think this is because of the love I feel, and also the reminder of why I need that love. The smallest things seem to be the big things as well. Seeing the maternity dress I had just ordered, hearing a baby cry, thinking about Christmas, turning around and seeing the kids in the van we bought for our growing family... The reminders are everywhere. Sometimes I feel like I want to forget, but I'm reality I don't want to ever forget my sweet angel baby.

We purchased this print of Jesus holding a baby to put to in our room as a reminder of our precious little one. Our perfect child. What a blessing it is to know that this baby is being cared for by God. I can also feel Him holding me.



Since the baby's passing, I've been much more grateful for my living children. They are amazing. Molly has been so sweet, and even she at 3 years old has been mindful of me. She has given hugs and kisses and "I love you's" so freely lately and I know that she is close to the spirit and to her angel sibling. She also asks hard questions like "Why didn't the baby's body work?" and "Can you put him back in your tummy?"

A few weeks after our baby passed, we received the test results conforming our angel baby is a boy. All the genetic and blood tests came back normal and there was no physical evidence of what went wrong. It's good to have that information, and my doctor is confident it will not affect future fertility.

I had suspected it was a boy and had several favorite boy names picked out.  We decided not to formally give the baby a name one month after his passing because we felt that it would confuse the kids, and for some reason it just didn't feel right to... Maybe he already has a name in Heaven because he is a choice and special spirit.  One name on the top of my list was Tucker. I often think and talk to my baby using the name Tucker in my mind and after approving it with Matt we call him Tucker in private. Maybe when the kids are old enough to understand exactly what happened, we will continue to call him by that name as a family.

I miss my baby.  I miss being pregnant.  I miss the hopes and the dreams and future I had planned for my son. I am beginning to change my perspective and I'm learning so much, but it's so hard.  Thank you friends and family so being patient with me while I get there.