Pregnancy After Loss

If you haven't heard, YES we are pregnant again! I am currently 16 weeks and we are so excited! 

But, boy is pregnancy after loss different.

I have so many emotions. So many worries. And so much that I can't seem to express, but I'm going to try. 

Being pregnant so soon after a loss is such a blessing. I was so worried that we would have a hard time getting pregnant again since it took so long for us to get Molly.  But being pregnant again so soon is also scary. So so scary. 

Things that are different this time around:

• I check for blood all the time. Anyone who's a momma knows that sometimes you leak a little because your bladder is being squished, and I have a freak out every time that happens and rush to the bathroom.
• I don't like telling people. They don't know what to say. 
• I've lost my innocence. I have always heard about things that can happen during pregnancy, and though my loss wasn't something we had a reason for.. I'm scared of all the things. Anything I've heard that can happen to baby in utero, I'm terrified of it.
• I'm more confident to tell the medical professionals what I want. Oh, you say I can't have an appointment until 8 weeks.. I'm going to complain and bother you until I can get in at 6.
• I cry a lot. I'm so happy some days. I'm so sad other days. I'm freaking scared on other days. Combine this with pregnancy hormones, and I'm a wreck half of the time. 
• I don't want to plan. But I do.  When me or my friends talk about "when my baby gets here", I get all insecure like I'm going to jinx it. I know this sounds crazy, but I had so many plans for my Christmas baby that never came to fruition. This Christmas will be hard. 
• I have nightmares. Pregnancy dreams can get crazy, but lately they're just echoing my fears, and they're scary.
• I pray a lot. I pray all day long. 
• I really want to show.  I feel like I've been pregnant for a whole year (which I will have come April), but I haven't shown that whole time. I want a belly so bad, and it seems this time it's taking longer than the others even though growth is on track.  I need that physical evidence that there really is baby in there and I'm so anxious for that day.

I also don't want to forget about my precious angel baby.  It seems like now that I'm pregnant again, everyone thinks I should be over my loss. Well, I'm not. I miss him every day.  Everyone seems to think that this baby is a miracle replacement for my son. Well, it's not. I want them both. So bad.

I am also so so excited for our new addition. I know that Heavenly Father is in charge. That all these babies (living or not) are meant to by mine and to be in our family forever. There have been so many times when I've felt indescribable peace this pregnancy, and I try to hold on to that as tight as I can.  But in this world, there will always be worries and challenges, and I am coping the best that I know how. When a friend asked my what I needed recently, I said patience and prayers. I think this will be true until baby comes in May. I'm so grateful for my Savior and for the peace that I can receive because of Him.