Our Angel - Part 1

On July 4, 2018, we lost our precious baby. This experience has changed me, and I will try to express my heartache and testimony as I write down our story.

On Tuesday July 3, I started spotting and it seemed to be normal pregnancy spotting. By the next day, the spotting turned bright red but still seemed normal. After walking our kids down to the local high school to watch fireworks, I started getting stomach cramps. These cramps turned into what felt just like contractions. I then knew that something was very wrong. I had contractions come stonger and more painful as we walked the 30 minutes back to our house. We put the kids in bed and called a trusted friend to come over while we went to the ER.

As soon as I was admitted, I started to gush. The baby was soon delivered before a doctor even came in the room. I didn't want to see the baby. Part of me wonders if I'll regret this, but I didn't want that image to be the one I kept of my baby in my mind forever. I was able to see my unborn child kick and squirm just 3 weeks before on an ultrasound, and will always have that as the image that I can hold in my heart. Matt was sad that he didn't get to see our angel, and that is my only regret.

The doctors came in and did an ultrasound to make sure everything was cleared out.  They did not see any remains and were anxious to get me home to grieve at around 3:30am.

Unfortunately, they had missed something. I was sent home and immediately took a shower and went to bed. I was still bleeding quite a bit, but didn't realize it was too much until I used the bathroom at around 6am and felt a large amount of blood come out. I passed out breifly on the toilet and then stood up to tell Matt that I was losing too much blood. I passed out again, landing on the bathtub. Matt ran to my side and called 911. This was the scariest part of the whole experience. I have never fainted before, and waking up not knowing what has happened is so scary. So many thoughts and feelings went through my mind as we waited for the paramedics. Life is so fragile and I felt it in those moments.

The paramedics came to my side and tried to help me into the bedroom. I passed out again. They hurried and got me an IV and then carried me down the stairs on a tarp. I was in shock. I had bruises all down my side from falling on the tub, but wouldn't realize this until I was being discharged from the hospital many hours later. It's such a blessing I didn't hit my head.

The ambulance got me to the hospital where I was given more fluids and other drugs. Matt came to the room as soon as possible. The nurse said he was so glad when Matt got there because as soon as he came into the room, my heart rate slowed back into normal range. Matt has always been my rock, and I absolutely couldn't have done this without him. Another ultrasound showed that there was indeed more in my uterus that needed to come out. I was prepped for a D&C. Since the paramedics started helping me at home, I had been shaking terribly and uncontrollably the entire time.

Before surgery, my wonderful bishop came and gave me a prieshood blessing.  I am so grateful for this. I think Matt was relieved as well because he was too anxious to give me one himself. It was such a comfort to hear words that I knew were from my Heavenly Father. Things I specifically needed to hear.

The D&C went well. I woke up in the recovery center to my amazing husband who never left my side. He held my legs as they shook until I felt awake enough to talk to the doctor about going home. We left the hospital around lunch time.

Recovering at home was hard, but I'm so thankful for all the people in my life who gave me such support.  My wonderful parents drove all day from Utah to be with me and my family. Before dinner time, I had several visitors who brought flowers, food and shoulders to cry on. I needed this more than they knew. My eyes were swollen, and my bruises were getting worse. The bruise in my heart worst of all. l cried like I'd never cried before.

Carson - 18 Months

Our baby boy is already a year and half! He has grown into quite the toddler, and makes us smile everyday.

Lately, Carson:

• Weighs about 
• Wears size 4/5 diapers and 18-24 month clothes
• Takes one nap every day from about 1:30 - 3:30 pm, but he so good about sleeping that he'll go down at any time
• Knows a handful of words, and really wants to be able to communicate with us
• Loves playing outside and will stand at the door and beg to go in the backyard
• Is kind of a picky eater but he loves broccoli and and all fruit
• Loves to play with Molly, and he's smiles (and cries) the most when she's around
• Plays with his cars, Molly's makeup set, and blocks the most
• Loves reading books and brushing teeth at night and gets so excited when we say it's time to get ready for bed
• Is definitely a mama's boy and is getting a little too big for me to carry him as much as her wants me to
• Loves snacks and will say "GAAH" and point to the pantry or the diaper bag when he wants one
• Loves to help mommy sweep and help daddy in the yard
• Understands most of what we say, and can shake his head no
• Has started to have tantrums.  He will get upset when he can't have a snack, can't go outside, or needs to get his diaper changed
• Isn't really really interested in TV, but likes having family movie night with us
• Folds his arms and enjoys saying prayers at night
• Sleeps great at night and still with a pacifier, and usually wakes up very happy
• Is such a good boy and makes us laugh all the time. I don't know what we'd do without him!

Here are some pictures from the last few months:

Molly Age 3

I know it's been quite a while since Molly turned 3, but better late than never! I want to remember what our sweet Molly is like at 3 years old.

Molly's Favorites:

Food - Molly is still a great eater and is not very picky.  She loves anything sweet and loves vegetables. Family and friends are always impressed by how well she will sit and finish her meals.

Toys - Molly loves dress up, pretend toys, books, and puzzles.  Her very favorite thing to do is crafts.  We do a lot of stickers, painting, coloring, making jewelry, and we love to get craft kits from the craft stores.

People - Molly loves her family (especially Carson) and often says that she is happy when we are all at home together.  He best friend is Charli Kantaris who live one street away and will happily go anywhere if we say Charli will be there.

Movies/Music - Molly loves Moana, Frozen, Curious George, Little Einsteins and recently Thomas the Train.  She also loves to sing and dance.  We like to listen and dance to the Frozen and Moana sountracks, We Are the Dinosaurs, and Andy Grammar songs.

Places - Molly loves going on walks to the park, visiting the children's museum, and going shopping (especially to Sam's Club).  She also loves being a home and playing in the basement or doing crafts with mommy.




Other things we love about Molly:

Molly is very kind! She loves to "help" her brother and always tells us about others who are sad. She is very in tune with her emotions and will tell us exactly how she feels about everything.

Molly is also very smart.  She can spell several words and know all her letter and numbers. She likes to memorize her books so she can read them to herself.  She really wants to go to school so we are looking into starting preschool sometime soon.

She already has a wonderful testimony of Jesus Christ.  She loves having a picture of Jesus in her room and likes singing and learning primary songs.  She will tell us when there is not a lesson in nursery, and I know she is going to thrive in primary this year! She also loves FHE and we can see that she is picking up way more than we expect her to.

Molly loves to please others and is mostly very obedient.  She like to tell others when they are being naughty as well and helps her friend Charli to obey her mommy.  Molly love to give and receive compliments and often tells Mommy that her clothes are jewelry are beautiful. She also gets excited when I ask her to help clean and loves to put away her books and animals so we can vacuum her room.

Molly is the heart of our family and I'm so glad I get to be here mother! We are growing so much together and I can't wait to see the girl she becomes!

Here are some of our favorite recent pictures of Molly:

Carson: Age 1

Carson is a year old already! Actually 13 months now since I'm so behind at blogging... We had some adorable pictures taken for his birthday and he had a combined waffle party with Molly that he thoroughly!

At 1 year Carson:

• Weighs 21 lbs 11 oz and is 31.5 inches tall
• Has almost 8 teeth (two of them are still just barely cut through)
• Wears 12-18 month clothes and size 3/4 diapers
• Sleeps so great at night - about 12.5 hours and now takes one nap a day for about 2 hours
• Started walking really well the week after his birthday and loves to walk the circle around our living room and kitchen
• Can climb up the playground and go down the slides on his belly all by himself.  He is a daredevil and scares mommy!
• Was diagnosed with a peanut allergy and now has to carry around an epi pen.  He likes Sunflower butter though so it makes o difference to him
• Loves his pacifiers and sleeps with 3 in his crib.  He no longer needs them during the day (except at church to keep him quiet)
• Copies our actions really well... he folds his arms at prayer time and knows what all our household objects are for
• Still only knows a few words, but is very good at communicating via grunts and squeals
• Likes to talk on the phone
• Likes to eat bread and fruit, but does not like water at all
• Loves playing outside and will stand at the back door begging to go out
• Can play the kazoo better than anyone else in our family
• Loves to make us laugh and has the cutest facial expressions

We can't imagine life without Carson! Happy Birthday Buddy!

Here are some more pictures from the past couple months: